Sunday. Not yesterday Sunday, but the Sunday before, I woke up with a really tight feeling in my stomach. I just felt really wound up and unsettled about something. I was trying to figure it out thinking that maybe I wasn't being totally obedient with something or maybe my personal study wasn't meaningful enough or something. I really had no idea at all and it was the most annoying thing. I kept doing life and doing the things I knew I should do and I felt this way all the way through Tuesday. Tuesday we had zone training and that meant three train rides that were each 40 minutes long. It was a beautiful trip. It took forever, but it was fantastic. I was still feeling uptight about something, but I thought maybe I would get my answer in zone training. I had a cute outfit on and brought cookies to share with people, and as we were walking through the door to the church building an Elder pointed out to me that our cell phone was ringing. It was in my purse, so I pulled it out just in time to miss the call. I looked at the phone and realized that I had missed four calls actually...from my Mission President. I really couldn't imagine what he needed that badly, but I called him back right away and he said, my dad had called him and that my mom was having some health issues and that my Dad needed to talk to me. That was when the tight feeling in my gut finally unwound. Something was wrong. My heart started pounding and I went over to my Zone Leaders to tell them that I would need to sit out of zone training to take a call from my Dad because my Mom is having some health problems. They are great Zone Leaders and were super understanding. They let me use the Bishop's office to take the call, so I just sat for a minute waiting for the call. Then I realized I was an idiot because I hadn't said a prayer yet. I got on my knees at in the bishop's office in Singen Germany and begged my Father in Heaven for everything to be ok. At this point, I literally had no idea what it could be. I sat back down in the chair after my prayer and stared out the window for another minute and then the phone rang. It was my Dad. I would just like to say, that my parents are amazing. They are two really fantastic people and I don't know why Heavenly Father thought I would be cool enough to be in their family, but I am so glad that He did. My Dad started talking to me and told me what was going on. I won't give you every detail of the phone call, but my Mom wasn't feeling to well on Monday and got taken to the hospital. A lot of tests were done and doctor's found that she has cancer in her brain. It isn't the kind of thing that they can do some radiation and some chemo on to make it better and so her time seems to be more limited than we expected. I cannot tell you how I was feeling. There were still so many things unanswered and more tests and stuff to do and I really don't know what I should and shouldn't say in this email, but I have never in my mission felt so far away from my family. All I wanted in that moment was to be in Chicago with all of them. My Dad told me that my sisters and niece and brother-in-law and Aunt were all there. He talked about how great the ward had been and about what else the doctors intended to do. It was so hard. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt stuck and useless. They were all there and I was here in Germany just going about my life. I still can't explain what it felt like, but it did not feel good.
Well, there were more phone calls and I was blessed to get a blessing from my zone leader. I called my Mission President back to tell him exactly what it was because he himself didn't even know and then we talked about how to go about this and how to handle this. I've been doing a lot of talking this week. I've been talking to my Dad, I've been talking to my Mission President, and I have been doing a heck of a lot of talking to my Father in Heaven. It has all been trying to figure things out and what I should do. At the same time, I have been doing a lot of listening. I have been listening to my Dad, I have been listening to my Mission President, and I have been listening really hard to my Father in Heaven.
I love being a missionary. This work is amazing. It is also a feeling that I cannot explain, but it is amazing. I feel so blessed and honored to be here. I have given everything I have to help bring others unto Christ and in doing this work I have solidified a few things for myself: I have a Father in Heaven who loves me so much. He wants me to be happy. I know that He lives. I see evidence of that every day. I know that He is aware of me and I know that He has a plan that is far greater than my own. There is power in prayer that is far greater than I can understand. I have seen miracles already. I have been able to think about this work when I need to think about this work and I know already that He has been looking out for my family at home. NO one ever predicts something like this happening, but my Mission President has told me that I have some decisions to make. I haven't made any yet because I haven't gotten an answer yet, but I know that when the time is right, that Heavenly Father will give me the right answer, and you better believe that whatever that is, I will be acting on it right away. I trust my Father in Heaven and I know that He's got this. My mission president told my ward here in Freiburg and they have also been so great. My Mom has an army of Germans praying for her :) What a week. Anyways, I have a beast of a family and am so grateful everyday for them. I hope you all have a great week and I hope you all know that I mean it when I say to make good choices.
Love,
Sister Smiley
Of course there are still pictures: Us at a park on a nice day. We had an awkward time gap so we did some contacting, and then the cookies on our train ride to zone training.
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